He drives me crazy!

I usually don`t like to talk about love because I know I may not be understood.I know what kind of impact some persons have concerning my inner lovable side.

Have you ever had that peculiar feeling?That in which you know you love in vain?Has your path ever been crossed by a man whose smile melted the worries away?Did he ever give you the impression he cares about you and that he is really interested about your life?Then he did what every man does at a certain moment in his life?He opened his mouth and hurt you one way or another...Proving you don`t mean a thing to him and of course he made you feel like crap,he made you feel worthless,unpretty,useless?

Then after revising your attitude,his behaviour,both your versions ,telling all these to your best friends...confiding in them to receive answers like: He`s a dick,he doesn`t deserve you,you`ll get over him and all that nonsense?

Then you got yourself convinced he isn`t worth your time and feelings,but you still smiled when thinking of him,when thinking of the best moments shared together...

I trust that being an ass to a girl is a normal thing guys do once in awhile,because they can`t help it.It`s in their nature to be so.They don`t perceive it as a rudeness .

Love has challenged me a lot in the past few years.And even if...I was more hurt than cherised I still remain faithful to that man that makes my heart throb like an engine each time I see him or hear his dulcet voice.

I know all these feelings are in vain,but my logical mind can`t compete with my loyal heart.I`d like to tell him how much he means to me...He`ll never know.I tried to get closer,to be involved in his life but each time he does something nice for me...he screws it up big time afterwards,pushing me away from him.

Psychologically speaking,this is his way of protecting himself from getting hurt .But he sometimes does these stupid things -he tests others to see who cares about him and who doesn`t.But he does insult people while he`s at it.And he mustn`t realize,otherwise if he voluntarily performs this *smooth operation* it must mean he is a sadistic human being.

No matter how much of a jackass he can be,I still care about him(maybe at this point I`m finding excuses for him?!).Many`s the time I`ve read what I`ve received from him,even if it was redemption from his part,even if it was in the spirit of holiday ...I perceive his words as feelings aimed at me.And that`s lame but I like to think of his gesture as a token of appreciation,as a result of his heart showing something to my little "engine of feelings".

Or maybe he just...apologized so that he can get a knack at me again?To throw me to the garbage again,to throw mud at my pure feelings then to wipe me ,to rinse me,to clean me with a damp cloth?God I so hate myself for loving him ...But,neah,I`m struggling with myself,still can`t help it.

And if you happen to read all these...:Fuck off...And Yes,I do love you...

I still love you...